What if chapter 1
by Kabaneri
Summary: Hopefully there will be more parts. This is a collection of funny ideas. Like what if the elder wand got accidentally snapped when Dumbledore dropped it? What if Super-man landed in a prison instead a farm and many more. WHAT IF CHAPTER 2 is UP! Katekyo Hitman Reborn this time!


**What if...someone else found Tom Riddle's diary?**

"speech"

'thought'

 **the ANs and personal comments**

Harry was hoping his second year at Hogwarts would be less eventfull than his first but, alas, it wasn't. His troubles began even before school started.

Firstly, some crazy, rag-wearing house elf or whatever thingy had not only stolen all his mail but got him in a LOT of trouble!

'I was having a nice summer for ONCE! Then, that Dobby or whatever, not only got me into trouble with the Ministry of Magic (Which I had no idea existed!), ruined my _uncle's_ dinner and made him mad but also **that** letter came! Now they know I can't do magic uotside of school! My dreams and peacefull summers will never ever come true!' - young Harry furiously thought.

 **(I congratulate you,boy! You are steadyly taking your first steps towards rebellion and puberty!)**

Thankfully, the Weasleys came and took him with them for the rest of the summer. Harry had a great time, thinking his troubles were finally over. Oh, no, they were just beginning.

Secondly, their trip to Diagon alley was disastrous. His first travel with the Floo resulted in him being spewed out in Knockturn. The selfish, narcistic pounce known as Gilderoy Lockheart not only dragged him in front of a croud, mostly made of news-hungry reporters and rebbid fangirls, but also turned out to be his DADA teacher. Dundundun...a few Malfoys appeared!

'Oh, just great! Now I'll have to deal with Malfoy, too!' (Harry)

Although all of their efforts of being polite and not stert a fight, Lucius stepped too far. In the end there was a fight and Mr. Weasley managed to land a few punches to the prick.

Soon came 1st September. All of them got on the flying car and went to the train station.

'Finally! I'm coming Hogwarts!' - Harry smiled as he went towards the barrier.

Unfortunately he crached in a brick wall instead of going through it. After some arguing, Ron had somehow managed to convince him to drive the flying car to Hogwarts. It was scary, dangerous and they almost died a few times. They arrived at the school as the car disappeared somewhere in the depths of the forest, never to be seen again **(probably)**. They missed the sorting, got scolded by the teachers, didn't eat anything and got sent to their dorm.

===During the sorting===

Hermione was worried about her friends, they never came to meet her on the train.

'Maybe...maybe they were...or...' - she was snapped out of her thoughts by McGonagall's voice.

"Múller, Clarence!"

A blonde boy of eleven years came to the front. He had a bit of baby fat on his cheeks but was lean and a bit tall for his age. He fumbled with his hands as he sat with the Sorting hat on his head.

"I've never heard of the Múller family! I bet he's another one of those mudbloods." - Malfoy's loud voice sounded.

Hermione scowled.

'Are the only things in his head blood purity, quidditch and his father's influence?!'

"Hufflepuff! Good luck boy!" - the hat announced.

===Timeskip===

The Golden trio was finally together. They talked as they walked down a corridor but then Harry stopped.

$Kill...kill...KIIIIIIL!$ - he heard a voice.

He shared his worries but no one believed him. Later he is revealed to be a Parselmouth by saving a fellow student but most of the people start to look at him strangely. At first he ignores it but after Mrs. Norris' petrification and the bloody message about Slytherin's heir everything changed. He was looked at with scorn, fear and suspicion.

"What the bloody hell! It's like they expect me to start crackling like a madman and start killing people any moment now!" (Harry)

"Don' worry mate. They're jus' fools I tell ya!" (Ron)

"Yesh, Harry, you should just ignore it for now. Everything will clear itself in time." - Hermione also tried to comfort him.

"I know, but what the hell! If there really is a dangerous beast, a snake most certanly, petrifying pets in the halls why are we still here? Shouldn't we be evacuated or something?!" - Harry ranted.

"Calm down Harry! I'm certain Dumbledore knows what he's doing." (Hermione)

Harry stood up and left in a hurry while mumbling: "Yeah like in first year! Friggin' cerberus and possessed teacher! Who sends students in the **Forbidden Forest** at night as a punishment?!"

===Another timeskip===

A student was attacked. Colin was now petrified in the hospital wing. The wispers were becoming louder and more wild with every passed day. Heck, Harry could swear he even heard one about him killing Voldemort to take his place!

'I was FKIN 15 month old BABY! What now?! You'll tell me I started my dark magic training in my mother's womb?! No, wait, let me guess... I was secretly one of Voldemort's underlings, killed at least a thousand people and then plotted against him before I even came out of my mother! Am I right?!'

Harry was so angry he even let some of his inner thoughts out.

"shut the fuck up, ya bloody bastards!" - thankfully no one heard him.

 **I'll change some a bit more major things here.**

The monster's second victim was Hermione. As Harry watched her motionless on the hospital bed, he clenched his fist in anger.

'Why Hermione?! TWO STUDENTS are in the hospital and _Dumbledore_ hasn't done anything yet! So much with "Dumbledore will handle it."! He hasn't moved his finger at all! I'm taking things in my own hands!'

"F*CK this! I'm going to do something instead of just sitting here, waiting for a help that will never happen! You are free to come and help me, if you want to, Ron."

"Language, mister Potter!" - madam Pomfrey scolded him.

"I don't CARE! Istead of scolding me for foul language, go do somethin' 'bout the killer snake! Evacuate the students! Close the school! Contact the Ministry! DO SOMETHING!" - he stormed off to the library, fuming more than a steam train.

He started his search for the type of snake by checking the books about magical creatures. There were more than 30 books and he spent more than 2 hours looking for them!

'Gosh, haven't they heard of order?! Do they even know the Dewey Decimal System?! **(UHF reference)** It's not the reading but finding the book you need the REAL challenge!'

He began to read but it soon became dark. The library was closing for the night but he hadn't even finished the first book! A bit angry, Harry left with a lamp in his hand.

'I stayed there for so long and Ron didn't even come to call me for dinner! What a _good friend_ he is!'

As he hurried to return to his dorm, he collided with someone. It was a first year Hufflepuff boy, Clarence Múller to be exact.

"I-I'm sorry!" Harry helped the boy up "Are you OK?"

"Yes, I am. Thank you, and you don't need to apologise, I wasn't looking where I was going. I'm Clarence by the way."

"I'm Harry. Nice to meet you, too." - they shook hands briefley.

'His hands are really cold and wet.' -Harry mused.

"My pleasure. Maybe we can talk in the morning? I really need to go back to my dorm. See ya!" - Clarence sped off.

"OK! See ya tomorrow!"

'Gosh, I just realized I don't know many of the students of our house,other than Ron and Hermione, I haven't talked to many of them. Heck, I don't interact with people from other houses outside of classes and Quidditch matches!'

Harry safely got in his bed and fell asleep. He had a nice but verry strange dream. He felt relieved but also heard some screaking and heard the foun of a flushing toilet.

===A few minutes before Harry and Clarence bumped in the hall===

Clarence was lost. He went out to search for the parchment he wrote what his homework for charms and potions was! He first went to the dungeons and took a look arout the classroom. The parchment wasn't there. He visited a few other places but didn't find it. He saw an older Ravenclaw student walking towards their dorm. He stopped him and asked for help. The student performed the Point Me charm using Clarence's wand and instructed him to follow the direction it was pointing towards. Clarence thanked him and made a mental note to learn how to berform this spell, also to look for usefull spells to use in everyday life.

He found his parchment, hidden in a place he had never been to.

'Someone must have taken it and decided to have a laugh by hiding it from me. Maybe I should tell a teacher as soon as I find who it was..'

He walked for a bit before realizing he had never been here before. Yep, he was tottally lost! He walked aimlessly, hoping to find something familiar looking to know where he was.

'Huh? What's this?'

Clarence felt something under his foot. He lifted it up and looked it over.

"A diary? Somebody must have dropped it. I should return it."

He took the black diary with him.

He wandered for an hour or so. It had become dark quite a while ago.

GURUrurrrrrrrrrr...

A sound that meant trouble sounded from his stomach. Yes, he suddenly was overtaked by the need to use the toilet. It was number 2! He frantically looked around and ran in a random direction. He chose to take the chance, he was lost either way, instead of potentially soiling himself. Fate smiled at him as he saw a familiar door, it was the boy's toilet on the second floor he often used! He rushed in the closest stall and sat down.

-10 min later-

Flush...

He was about to reach for the toilet paper when he saw there was none left.

'Huh? I guess even in magical castles they DO run out of toilet paper.'

He looked around for an alternative. He first looked at his parchment.

'Absolutey NOT!'

It was not only going to be enough, but he would loose his noted and his butt would look like a baboon's after it.

He uncertainly glanced at the diary. It's pages were a LOT softer, thinner and smoother, but it was someone else's. After a bit of pondering, he decided a few empty pages from the back won't hurt. He opened the diary but saw it was completely empty, so with much more ease he tore a couple of pages and quickly cleaned himself. He then threw them in the trashcan.

Scsheeeeek! Plopplopblubble...

He looked down and saw black goo seeping out of the diary.

'Oh,no! It must have been some of the Weasley twins' pranks!'

 **Yes, even first years know about them! They are legends!**

He was scared it would explode or something because he tore it and damaged the thing, so he levitated it into the trashcan and ran out of the stall. He vigorously washed his hands and quckly ran out of the bathroom. After a few minutes of not hearing an explosion or a flood he slowed down. He turned around the corner and colided with another student.

===Back to the future===

Strangely enough after a few month of no more attacks being made, everyone calmed down. The monster hadn't attacked at all. Another wave of gossips were spread around the school but most of them said that either Harry or Dumbledore had stopped the monster.

Harry had started speaking to other people other than Ron, Hermione was still waitin for the antidote to be made. Ron was a bit furstrated but kept his mouth shut. Neville had even started to come out of his shell with Harry's encouragements and Clarence's supprot. He even wrote a letter to his gran, asking for a new wand after his had 'mysteriously' been broken.

===Timeskip===

Hermione was up and moving again. Harry told her all about what had happened up untill she woke up.

"It's good you made new friends, maybe you can introduce me later?"

"Ofcourse I will! The only bad thing is that Lockheart is still out teacher. I wish he wasn't anymore."

"Harry! I know he, excuse my language, tottaly sucks but he's still a teacher!"

"I know, but still I hope he's not here next year...!"

Booom!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

An earsplitting scream sounded throughout the castle. Soon after the headmaster and Snape came in with a bleeding and unconscious professor Lockheart. Poppy nervously ran towards the bed he was put on.

While Dumbledore and Snape explained how he had aparently tried to fix something in the classroom, the spell backfired, the wall and part of the ceiling fell, leaving a huge hole in the wall. Aparently he hit his head on a desk and fainted, after that the rubble fell on him, resulting in more injuries. Untill he woke up, they would have to keep him here, after he woke up they would decide wheter he's fine or they mould send him to St. Mungo's.

Hermione was listening to them, while Harry decided to sit next to a window. For a moment he didn't know if his eyes were decieving him but realised that there was indeed a 60 foot giant Basilisk slithering away from the school into the Forbidden Forest.

'Meh, they probably won't believe me without evidence and I don't have any. Better to keep my mouth shut for now.'

In the end Lockhearth was diagnosed with Amnesia and was sent to the mental ilnesses ward at St. Mungo's. Other than that the year passed normally. The exams passed smoothly, Slytherin won the house cup but Harry didn't particulary care anymore.

After the train arrived at King's Cross, they said their goodbyes and promised to write to eachother.

===Omake 1===

HECS (House Elf Cleaning Service)

"Mippy's duty today is emtyinf trashe cannies! Mippy glad she not has scrub toilets again!"

Mippy skipped and teleported to the second floor boys' bathroom. There, in one of the cans she found a thorn, black diary oozing black goo.

"Yuckie! What a bad,baddy thingy boys had thrown in heres!"

The elf exclaimed. She lifted it with disgust, sensing the fool magic from it.

"Mippy betters destroy bad thingy before student findes! Mippy's be in big trouble if they get hurtied!"

She put the can away from the wooden doors and snapped her fingers. A magical fire lit the can ablaze. Suddenly a scream was heard from the trash can as a pale, ghost-like figure came out. It struggled for a bit but burned in the end. Mippy put out the fire, cleaned the can from the ash and sooth, returned it to it's place and continued her work.

"Humhumhummm! Mippy really is a good house elf! I-se do such a good job!"

She hummed an unknown song as she went on with her buisness. One horkrux down, six more to go!

===Omake 2===

Dobby the free elf

Dobby was in the Malfoy manor. After talking to Harry and explaining, as much as he could, why he did all those things, he made a decision he'll become free and go serve the great Harry Potter. He was squeezing one of his current master's old socks like a lifeline. He took a deep breath and proceeded with his plan. It was all or nothing!

He walked towards Lucius Malfoy, who was sitting on a chair nert to a coffe table in the back yard. Dobby walked to the table and placed the old sock right in front of Lucius. The wizard scowled as he looked at the sock. He picked it up in disgust.

"What do you think you're doing, elf?!"

He then threw the sock in Dobby's hands.

"Master has gifted Dobby clothes! Dobby is a FREE ELF NOW!"

Dobby beamed, put on the sock on his left foot, snapped twice with his fingers and disappeared.

Lucius Malfoy was left in pure shock and bewilderment, with a gobsmacked expression, not even noticing that one of the snaps dobby made changed his hair in a neon pink afro. **(Like those in anime or Austin Powers movies)**


End file.
